It's been a month and eleven days since papa left us. Like most children who grow up believing that their fathers are invincible, I was not any different. But that had changed over the last few years. He had been sick and his pain was chronic. While I had begun to appreciate the truth about mortality and the fact that he was perhaps not invincible, I held on to the ‘Hero-status’ that he had earned since the day I was born. Truth is, I wish I could have told him how much I admired him while he was here. I have always known, that I love him more than I would ever love anyone, but never could tell him that in person.
Such is life!
The first time he went into ICU, I couldn't sleep for days and I wouldn’t weep. The doctors said they could either save one of his legs or his life. It seemed like a tough call initially but we were never in doubt that we wanted ‘him’ for us. They managed to save both, but at the cost of his mobility. I remember how after he had been shifted to the ward from ICU, I was staying with him for the night to look after him. He hadn't been conscious and I sat by him holding his hands. It was the first time I kissed his forehead and said ‘I love you Papa’. Tears rolled and my breathing was choked. As whimsical as it may sound, I think he heard me that night. I think he knew it all along but never said a thing.
Such is Life!
Papa got well but his struggle was apparent. It took months before he could start walking again but it all seemed worthwhile. It was still painful to see such an independent and free-spirited person had lost his self-confidence. Life wasn’t easy for him as he was hospitalized again just after 4 months of being discharged the first time. Back to the ICU fighting for his life. And he put on quite a fight and got out. So often, when we know we might lose someone, we finally realize their significance, the importance of having them around us. That was never the case with me, though. The thought of losing papa had given me sleepless nights much before he was sick. Yet I lived, selfishly, in my own little world of petty troubles and ephemeral happiness. Putting up with all my demands and wishes came naturally to him. He never complained. While the inevitable stared me in the eyes, I chose ignorance.
Such is Life!
I never really could have a hearty conversation with Papa. While I knew, that he knew everything about me, he never really sat me down to discuss the happenings in my life. He was aware of my self-inflicted troubles and in his own way comforted me. I never really had to ask for anything from him. I did whatever I had to and would tell him about it if I felt like, or if he had found out. He wanted me to change. Told people he was worried about me and yet never stopped me. I think all he wanted for me, was to be happy. Admittedly, I know he was a partner in all my crimes. The one who silently let me be myself. He was my best friend. We had our share of fights too, but very little and very seldom was something said. There were times he wanted me to spend a little more time with him and Mumma. But I had figured for myself that I’d rather be alone. He hated seeing me like that but I was too lost to notice that back then. My best friend is now gone and I wish, we had had more conversations.
Such is life!
Papa somehow never really judged me. He was a kind-hearted, loving person who loved to help people. A family man, who strongly believed that the family should eat together. Something I never gave him! As caring and loving he was, a lot of people took advantage of his simplicity. He was vulnerable when he saw people suffering. This was something that infuriated me very often. Sometimes making me judge him too. I believe, out of everything he has left behind for me, this is his greatest legacy. The night before he passed away, he called me to massage his legs and back. He was in acute pain. I sat down massaging him for some time and felt heavenly bliss while doing so. He used to call out for me all the time. Called me ‘bauaa’! When I was younger this seemed like a ritual each day when I would massage papa's legs for hours and finally slither away as I watched him sleep. That night I didn't feel like giving up but he said ‘ho gaya bauaa’ and now he won't call out for me ever again.
Such is life!
